Yet, while on the surface focusing only on the positive seems empowering, it’s actually one of the most unhealthy philosophies in life.
Here are a couple of reasons:
- When we’re trapped in the cycle of seeking positive vibes and avoiding conflict, we’re not actually growing as people. Instead, we’re stuck in a negativity-avoidance cycle that encourages us to abandon ourselves (and others) in times of need.
- Good vibes only culture doesn’t give space for people to feel and process their emotions, and therefore promotes mental and emotional repression. This repression, in turn, leads to reoccurring problems in our lives (I’m talking addictive tendencies, explosions of anger, recurring anxiety, and neurotic behaviours – the whole shebang).
Let’s face it: on the surface, the Good Vibes Only movement appears kind of cute and new age.
It can even be mistaken for being empowering and is frequently marketed as the key ingredient to a flourishing life.
But the reality is that Good Vibes the Only culture is toxic – it denies our basic need for authentic self-expression – and we need to be careful of it.
4 Toxic Signs of ‘Good Vibes Only’ Behavior
I have met and seen my fair share of good-vibe-only people in my field of work.
Here’s what I’ve observed through the years. Good Vibes Only/Toxic Positivity can manifest as:
- A phobia of critical thinking – Critical thought is generally perceived as something “negative” and unsavoury. Questioning and pointing out flaws and logical fallacies is something generally frowned upon and is almost immediately shunned, along with the person, who is perceived as a “troll,” “trouble-maker,” “argumentative person,” or most condescending of all, an “unawakened person.”
- Dogmatic positivity – If you don’t agree with what the Good Vibes Tribe has to say/believes, you are passive-aggressively outlawed. Don’t expect to receive genuine empathy or emotional support – you’ll be met with a wall of feel-good aphorisms and spiritual rhetoric.
- Spiritual ego disguised as ‘wokeness’ – There is an undeniable undercurrent of self-righteousness inherent in toxic positivity and Good Vibes Only mentality. It’s almost as if such people believe themselves to be “more evolved” or on a higher plane of existence than others. This spiritual egotism triggers feelings of shame and unworthiness in those reaching out for help and support.
- Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that is favoured by the Good Vibes crowd – it makes you question your sanity and reality, therefore increasing the power of the “always be happy” philosophy. Never doubt the power of the spiritual ego, it will go to any length to maintain its position of rightness and righteousness.
Can you recognize any of these behaviours in another person, group of people, or even yourself?
How to Deal With Good Vibes Only Behavior
If you frequently come in contact with someone who vomits rainbows-and-sunshine over you, you might wonder what you can do.
It’s not nice being gaslit, invalidated, and even shamed for our painful emotions or experiences. Here’s what you can do:
- Know that experiencing negative emotions or circumstances is normal. It’s okay to feel scared, angry, jealous, sad, or insecure. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are allowed to be human.
- Understand that their behaviour comes from fear. People don’t adopt cultish ideas for the heck of it, they do it out of an underlying sense of fear and powerlessness. So once you have the emotional space, take some time to come to grips with this. It is empowering to understand the deeper causes of someone’s harmful behaviour.
- Seek out someone ready to hold space for you. Toxic positivity doesn’t hold space for anyone – it can’t because it’s too busy trying to run away from negativity. So find someone you trust, maybe a friend, family member, or therapist, and ask them to hold space for you. Holding space means listening to and embracing another person, exactly how they are. If someone shows signs that they’re not able to hold space for you, keep your boundaries and find someone who can.
- Practice self-care. It’s not nice being bulldozed by positivity – it feels terribly isolating and can make you feel like there’s something “wrong” with you. So don’t forget to take care of yourself. Do something nurturing as an act of self-love. (Read: How to Love Yourself)
What to Do if YOU Are Struggling With Toxic Positivity Behavior
In life, we like to believe that there are victims and perpetrators. But sometimes, the victim can become the perpetrator and vice versa.
None of us is perfect, and that’s okay.
Here’s what to do if you are the one who has fallen into the Good Vibes Only trap:
1. Pinpoint which issues you’re struggling with
Good Vibes Only mentality is a form of toxic positivity, and toxic positivity is a type of negativity phobia.
See which of the following issues you’re struggling with (and be honest):
- You avoid people or situations that create uncomfortable feelings in you at all costs
- You’re attracted towards the lighter and more ‘higher conscious aspect of spirituality, but feel repelled (and maybe also irresistibly drawn to) the shadow side or Underworld path of spirituality
- You can’t handle criticism well (even if it is a well-meaning critique) and feel upset
- You feel unusually defensive or on-guard around others
- You’re highly sensitive to people’s thoughts and opinions about you
- You intentionally try to block out all forms of negativity from your life
- You refuse to acknowledge your shadows
- You tend to be an idealist
- You feel intense and overwhelming emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, or disgust when you’re confronted with a negative person
If you don’t journal yet, invest in a journal and make a regular habit of writing down your thoughts and feelings. (See: How to Journal)
Use the above symptoms to journal about. Ask yourself questions such as, “Where did this originate?” “How does this impact me/others?” “What can I do to create more balance?”
2. Understand that conflict/negativity is actually a good thing
Here is why conflict is such a powerful teacher:
- It helps you to actively develop more patience and forbearance around others.
- It helps you to “see beyond the veil” of another’s actions and develop deeper insight and compassion for them.
- It reveals your own areas of vulnerability and insecurity.
- It shines a light on your shadow tendencies.
- It can point out where you’re genuinely going wrong.
- It is a no-bullshit teacher that reveals how you can grow more.
- It is a way to test your emotional and spiritual maturity.
Having someone say “no, you’re wrong, and here’s why” or “that is totally ridiculous” is an immensely valuable gift.
Even if the person is NOT coming from a conscious or caring place, it’s a gift to experience conflict from others for it reveals the truth about ourselves.
How we react to others speaks volumes about our capacity to practice kindness and understanding.
How we react to others is a mirror of our own pain, insecurities, and fears.
3. Learn how to embrace conflict
Embracing conflict doesn’t mean enjoying it or seeking it out.
Instead, embracing conflict is about adopting a mindful attitude that values the experience as something useful to learn and grow from.
Here’s how to work towards embracing conflict and overcoming the Good Vibes Only mentality:
1. Stop and take a deep breath. Catch yourself before you react. Walk away if you must. Take a few moments to gather yourself, and then respond.
2. Ask yourself, “What is this person or situation secretly teaching me?” Sure, the person might be acting like an asshole, but what message is being embodied through their actions?
3. Be curious and adopt an attitude of interested awareness when you feel triggered. Look at the emotions surging through your body. Examine the thoughts in your mind. Take note of how you’re feeling. To do this, you need to practice meditation and mindful exercises like journaling. If you can’t get to a mindful place, walk away or count your breaths.
4. Ask yourself, “What is actually hidden behind this person’s negativity?” Stop taking emotions and apparent motives at face value. Try to think of all the possible reasons why the person is being negative. For example, maybe they have severely low self-worth. Maybe they are lonely and want attention (whether good or bad). Maybe they just went through a breakup. Maybe one of their loved ones just died. Maybe they’re experiencing a stressful day. Maybe they feel angry and sad about life. Be open to alternative explanations.
5. If you get emotionally triggered, reflect on the experience. What was it about the person that infuriated you so much? Instead of blaming them for being ‘low vibe’ or toxically negative, try to find the opportunity for growth that is being presented to you.
6. Understand that all negative behaviour has its root in pain. When I say pain, I mean emotional pain such as sadness, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness and fear. Once you can truly understand this for yourself, you’ll be able to empathize with the person (instead of trying to get them to be positive).
4. Hold space for your own pain
Chances are that if you’re in the habit of being excessively positive, you were taught at some point that showing any form of negative emotion was bad and deserved punishment.
To overcome the Good Vibes Only mentality, you’ll need to learn how to befriend your pain. Furthermore, by turning toward rather than away from your negative emotions, you’ll finally be able to hold space for others in a meaningful and compassionate way.
To hold space for your pain, you’ll need to heal your deepest wounds with our course, Healing with Akashic Records.